Predators Vs. Me

Oh man, how to even try to begin. OK, lets get this out of the way first. Adrien Brody has no place in this movie... at all. He brings nothing but wonderment to the part. Like, "How the @*#$ does this guy seem like a bad ass", or " Really, your really trying to sound like batman, Mr. Piano man?" He's already been in one of the worst movies I've seen this year called "Splice" where he literally sleep's with a genetic experiment that is kinda like his daughter. Yeah, its gross. Now you put him in an ACTION MOVIE?!? I Don't understand Hollywood sometimes. 
Also, when in the hell did Laurence Fishburne become such a joke?!? Oh wait, during the matrix reloaded. Well then STOP PUTTING HIM IN YOUR MOVIE. Its not hard, if an actor sucks, LEAVE HIM OUT! He makes what some could call a cameo, but its so stupid and shallow you can hardly call it so. I guess on to the movie then...

Does my head look big to you?

The movie starts with Brody free falling from the sky, apparently he just woke up when the movie started... clever movie people clever, you get a brief sequence where he tries to deploy a parachute which, you guessed it, deploys just in the Nick of time. He hits the ground and we get one of the dumbest title cards I've ever seen in my entire life. PREDATORS!!!!!!!! like we didn't already know this was going to be painful. Can I give you a tip, which I'm sure is in a book somewhere called movie making 101, but Why do people put characters in life or death situations in the first 15 minutes of a movie??? Tell me how that makes any sort of sense? Are we suppose to feel dread for a character who obviously makes it out alive? Sigh...
We then start to meet our rag tag group of shit characters. You have the Rough and tumble chick bad ass, the Russian bad ass, Mexican bad ass, black bad ass, Asian bad ass, and worthless white nerd guy. I would tell you who plays all of these people, but does it really matter? Can you guess who survives already? Because if your struggling, don't read this review. Its Brody and the chick FYI, you stupid stupid idiots.
Most of the movie consists of the rag tag group of bad ass's getting their collective ass's handed to them by, you guessed it, giant stupid looking guys in suits. Seriously I've never been so disappointed in the predators in my entire life. They look like bobble heads in this movie. I don't know how they could make them look any worse. I remember as a teen seeing the original two and thinking how awesome they looked. NOT ANY MORE.

You're supposed to get a sense that the Vagina Mouthed Aliens are hunting the humans, but you never feel like that. Mostly because you want to see them die... especially Brody... big nosed mother... ANYWAYS. People soon start dropping like flies. Until we meet the crazy Fishburne, who's been on this planet for 10 years we find out and talks to an imaginary friend. Something tells me that wasn't a stretch for him. Laurence soon turns on them so that he can get their weapons, because he's what one of the characters conveniently calls a scavenger, This revelation is given to us by the most unlikely of the team, the comic relief doctor. Really movie? Really? At least make Brody look a little more bad ass. They get out of this situation to lead us to one of the most rushed, yet longest finales in a movie I've ever seen. For what seems like an hour (but is really about 30 minutes) The team tries to go to a ship to get off the planet. When we get to the ship only 3 people are still in the team. The comic relief doctor played by Topher Grace, the Mexican chick played by, who cares, and you guessed it Brody. Topher get stuck in a space bear trap and Brody is keen to leave him there for the Vagina faces, but Mexican chick wants nothing to do with that, so she stays behind to help Topher get to the ship. Too bad Brody's already gotten on the ship and left their sorry asses. Mexichick and Topher get stuck in a space net and are trapped by a Vagina face in  a space well. Mexichick tries to find a way out of the space well when OMG ROFL Topher paralyzes her with space plant juice!!!! Holy CRAP!!!! We see one of the Predators looking pissed that someone has space-jacked his whip and he blows it up. No more Brody..... OR SO YOU THINK?!? DUN DUN DUNNNNNN!!!!!!!!! He comes back to help Mexichick and Topher get out of the space well. We get a brief omg moment as we think Topher is gonna get the jump on Brody, but NOPE Brody stabs Topher in the throat. 

Look at my six pack. I totally can play the piano!

Then we are treated to one of the worst battle's against an alien I've ever seen EVER. You don't believe me do you??? still don't?? I present to you MUDDY BRODY!!!!
I know, I know, laugh, that's the only way to get through this moment. Brody beats up the Predator and the movies finally over!!!! Oh wait, no its not. We are treated with a scene of more parachutesoriginal Predator that wrote for Arnold because Arnold could barely speak English. I'm not sure if I've made it clear how much I hate Brody... did you feel that during the review?? 


The Bottom line is this, The first two are classics's. I'm actually more of a fan of Predator 2 than one, but who doesn't love one. I mean really. If you haven't seen those then, I would suggest you rent and watch those. If your in the mood for some terrible movie watch this one. 


I give it 2 Vagina face's out of 5